Dork Dot

2008-06-24T08:24:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm still alive. I realized a couple of days ago that it was one year ago that I started this blog--all 15 posts of it. It's interesting to look back and see how much things change in a year. Thankfully, the dark days that were such a part of my life just last year have not resurfaced. I don't really know what's changed, but I just have a different feeling about my life, my family and myself these days. My same issues are still there, they just don't eat at me like they used to. I'm just me, and that's it. My family life has never been better--I love my wife, my kids and my life with them. I guess in my case love does conquer all, and it's such a relief to be able to feel that. Anyway, I just wanted to post a short update. I've missed the connection I had with several of you, so if you get a chance, drop me an email, it would be nice to catch up.

2007-09-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

Obviously I haven't written any posts for a while. As I'm always saying, I'm not so sure what role, if any this blog has in my life. I've been doing pretty well with things, though. Of course I still have struggles, but it just hasn't been getting to me lately. I seem to be able to kind of shrug things off better these days and not let them get me down. I've been really busy lately with a lot of things that have really been stressing me out and that's never good. One of the most important things I've learned in the last couple of months is that I don't have to connect my issues with SSA with the other stressors in my life. For a long time I let everything just intertwine and get muddled. It makes my life so much worse when I mix things tht I don't have as much control over with things I do have control over. This has been invaluable for me in avoiding uneccesary stress and even depression.

I took a little break from looking at blogs for a while because I felt like the stuff I was reading really wasn't helping me any. I felt like at best it wasn't helping me and at worst it was making me weaker. I guess there just seems to be a lot of rationalizing of behavior and philosophies that really isn't helpful to me. There just seems to be such a lack of positivity out there and sometimes I have to take a step back and evaluate what my own motivation for reading blogs and forums is and decide if those things are helping or harming me. This isn't an attack on anyone in particular, so don't feel like you have to defend yourself or anything. I'm just saying what my experience has been lately.

I just want to get it out that I love my wife and my family. I'm happy in my marriage and I would never want to be in any other situation. My wife and kids bring me so much joy and happiness and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for the life I have. Of course my attractions can be quite a distraction, but that doesn't take away from my ability to fully love my wife. She's amazing and her patience with me is amazing. I've felt my fair share of guilt for bringing her into my struggle, but I'm working my way through that and recognizing what a beautiful relationship we've built despite both of our shortcomings. Anyway, I just wanted to share that.

2007-08-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a Stake Priesthood Meeting. It was a night filled with sports analogies that I don't really respond to that much. But I've come to expect it, since my stake president is a former NFL quarterback, and I can sometimes even appreciate it on some level even though I'm very much not a football fan. So anyway, apparently we have a guy that just moved into our stake that happens to play offensive tackle for our LNFLT (that's short for local NFL team in case you're not down with that term). The stake pres had him come up, then gushed about how he had "born his testimony" to the defensive end of said LNFLT's biggest rival the night before and such, and then had the guy bear his testimony. Then he just clarified just how big this guy is--6' 5", 302 lbs. It was actually was kind of hard to gauge just how big the guy is, seeing how the stake pres is probably about the same height and not slight of frame. Anyway, then he had this guy from my ward, who happens to be my son's sunbeam teacher, come up and stand up there with them. Now this is a Filipino guy and he's maybe 5' 2" at the most so he seriously looked like tiny between these two towering guys. Then he had this guy bear his testimony and it was so powerful--you could feel it in the room like something palpable. At least I could. It was just such a powerful juxtaposition to see these two guys from such completely different backgrounds and with such obvious physical differences both bear their testimonies--especially since the smaller guy completely filled the room with the Spirit. The point was well-made that appearances, physical stature or station in life truly don't matter in the sight of the Lord. It is really trite and cliche, but it truly is what is in our hearts that makes all the difference in this life. I think about my own ideas of what my self worth. Part of that worth is based on my outward appearance but a lot of it is based on my percieved inward appearance. Without getting into the debate of whether SSA is a handicap or a burden, I do often lament the fact that I feel flawed inside because of my issues. It's often hard for me not to compare myself to others who I think don't have this flaw and feel like I come up short--just like my Filipino friend measured up short in stature next to the football player. I just need to remember that just because this is a part of my life, but I can overcome it's implications even if I can't ever comletely eliminate it. I can build my testimony and build my life in spite of this--or maybe because of this. I'm glad that was brought to my attention last night.

2007-08-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

Once again, I'm really at a loss with regards to blogging material. It's been a while since I've posted but it's just pretty much been business as usual around here. I've had some not so great days here and there, but nothing like how it used to be pre-the talk. I'm trying to figure out what has changed, and I think a large part of it is just not having the feeling of being alone in this hanging over my head anymore. I think I had gotten so worn down that I just didn't feel like putting a lot of effort into fighting it anymore. I don't know, I can't really explain it. Like I said, I still have days where I have to fight it more than others, but I think I'm fighting it in a better, healthier way now. I definitely feel better, that's for sure.

I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in this whole blogosphere as well. I guess I haven't really gotten exactly what I wanted to or expected to get out of it. I fear I've become the dreaded blog stalker who just obssessively checks the blogs of a bunch of people I don't know but don't really have anything to say. I thought maybe it would help me to maybe get to know others with the same struggles, and it has to a degree, but not to the extent that I thought it would. I just think it's really hard to get to know someone's real personality through a computer. But such is life. I did start another non-anonymous blog--I think that may be part of what has kept me from posting as often here. Anyway, sorry to waste your time with a pointless post. I'll think of something better next time (feel free to give me some ideas!)

2007-08-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to think of something interesting to post about. I feared this would happen with a blog--that I would quickly run out of fodder. I don't know, I just feel like I've come such a long way in these last few weeks and I'm in such a better place than I was when I started this blog. It's amazing how quickly things can change. I feel like I've been able to see things a lot more clearly, and decide how to make my life better and happier. Probably the main thing that I've been trying to do lately is to really focus on what is the most important to me in my life and try to push the other things into the background. Of course the most important things to me are my family and my faith. There's a lot that is included with those two things, so that should keep me busy. Being able to talk to my wife about some of the things I'm trying to squeeze out my life has been really helpful. The hardest part about that is that a lot of the time, I really can't put into words what I'm truly feeling. It's hard to understand some things if you haven't lived through them, or felt them, and I think that's one way that blogging and talking to others who have had the same experiences is helpful. I think I mentioned earlier that I told my wife about my blog and some of the other blogs and she has read some of the posts on some of them. It's interesting to see her reaction to them. Frankly, a lot of it has been pretty shocking to her and more than a little disconcerting. It's been good, though, because it's allowed us to talk about things and to really clarify how I feel--sometimes I agree with the subject matter, and often times I don't. But like I said, it gets us talking, and that's a good thing. In my opinion, talking about things is key--whether you're married or not. We all need to have someone to talk to and who can give us insight and help us sort out our feelings. When you're married, I think that other person primarily has to be your spouse, no matter what. I'm not diminishing the value of good friends, because obviously that's important, but your spouse is key. There's no question about that.

Really I suppose the point of this post is to say that I'm really happy with my life right now, and it's a good feeling. I think I've spent too much of my life being unhappy. Lately, I almost feel like I should be searching for something to feel bad about--as strange as that sounds. Of course I still have limitations and things I need to work out, but I don't think that will ever end. But does that ever end for anyone?

Oh, and the other point of this was that I wanted to post a new song on my sidebar. Listen to it. You'll like it. Put put on some headphones--it sounds a lot better that way, instead of through your crappy computer speakers ;).

2007-07-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday in Elders Quorum, we had Teachings for Our Times and the talk that was chosen was about prayer. Among a lot of other things, we talked about getting answers to our prayers. Someone brought up the fact that sometimes we don't get answers and we started talking about what you do in that situation. The brother that was teaching the lesson then shared that when he was preparing to go on a mission, he prayed for a confirmation that it was the right thing for him to do. He said he didn't get what he felt like was an answer and he said that he continued to pray for that confirmation through his time at the MTC, and ultimately throughout the two years of his mission. He said that after his mission, he finally felt like he got an answer from the Lord that it was the right thing for him to do. As I sat there and listened to him, I thought about my own prayers. I thought about the years and years I prayed for this challenge to be taken away from me, to no avail. Then after I stopped praying that it would be taken away, I prayed to be able to understand why this is part of my life and what I'm supposed to do with it. Like most of you, I've done this for years--at times more fervently than others. As I sat in the lesson, I felt compelled to share what I thought was one of the "whys" (not the "why" with regards to the specifics of what I had prayed about, obviously ;-), but more the "why" my prayers had not been answered). Here's what I came up with. It seems like in the gospel there are a lot of prescribed behaviours that are pretty concrete--pay your tithing, read the scriptures, go to your meetings, do your home teaching, etc. Those are pretty much set in stone and really don't require a lot of thinking. They are things you just do because you are commanded to do them. But what is the real purpose behind those things, why do we do it? I think the bottom line is because they help us build faith and develop a relationship with our Heavenly Father through keeping His commandments. But then there's prayer. In my opinion, the sole purpose of prayer is to build faith and build a relationship with our Father. Is there anything that has more potential to promote faith than to actually talk to Him and recieve an answer? I think there is something that is more faith promoting--talking to Him and NOT getting an answer, but still asking again, and again . . . When I look back on my life, I think about the times that I really prayed for understanding of this aspect my life. Those were the times that I had the most faith. Those were the times that I felt the closest to my Heavenly Father, and really expected an answer. Even more interesting to me is the fact that the times when I have made an effort to return to Him, it has been because I needed help with or answers to questions stemming from my same-sex attractions. Almost every time, that one issue is what has brought me back to seek his counsel and help. It's been the underlying tool that has sustained my faith, as well as brought me back from unbelief. If this weren't a part of my life, I wonder what would force me to be closer to Him? And it all seems to come, in part, from Him not answering my prayers. Or maybe that is my answer . . . at least partially.

2007-07-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a little while since my last post and I don't really know how I feel about this blog and the whole blogosphere in general anymore. I think I just don't like the tone of my blog and I'm not sure what direction I want it to go in. I guess when I first found the blogs of others who seem to have a similar background and have had experiences that I can definitely relate to, it was exhilarating. It was so nice to know that I'm not alone, that others have felt the same things I have and have weathered some of the same storms I have. At the same time, a lot of it was very frightening to me. And then there was the whole discussion of "don't ask, don't tell" that brought me to the realization that I had to address this whole issue with my wife. This has been the best thing that has happened in my marriage and my relationship with my wife, even though it hasn't been easy. There was a second there that I thought I had really messed things up, but it's turned out to be an amazing thing for us both and our relationship is better than it has been in years--maybe better than it has ever been. I am truly grateful to those of you who posted on the subject on Northern Lights, and to those of you who emailed me privately about it. Truly grateful. Probably the biggest realization that I came to was that no matter what release or outlet I feel by spilling my thoughts and feelings to a bunch of strangers and random people, the person that should be the one who knows how I feel should be my wife. That's why I married her--to share myself with her. And that, I think, was what was killing me inside. I know that was what was killing me inside. I'm not downplaying the benefits of blogging because I still think there are benefits. But for me, the use of a blog as the sole place where I can write my most secret thoughts and feelings down, and allow others not involved or connected to those feelings read and comment, really has no value. I'm not saying I won't be blogging about my feelings, but I don't think I'll be sharing things that I haven't first shared with my wife. I guess the other thing I decided about my blog is that I want it to be uplifting to read. Not that I won't ever post about when I'm feeling down or sad, I just don't want it to constantly be about my problems or the more negative aspects of my life. I just think there's enough of that out there. I think one of my problems is that it's been difficult for me to recognize the happiness and successes I've had in my life because I feel like they've always been overshadowed by me focusing on the negative. I'm trying to change that. I guess if it makes for a boring read, then so be it. And for my last complaint about my blog--anonymity is difficult and confining to pull off. I just wish some of you knew the real me and could put the things that I say in some sort of context, and at the same time I find myself wanting to know more about your lives. Not that I'm ready to out myself to the world, but you know what I mean. Anyway, that's enough whining for now. What was I saying about being uplifting? Oh yeah, I guess I'll have to start that next time.

2007-07-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of full disclosure that I've been trying to live these days, I told my wife about my blog and introduced her some of your blogs and to Northern Lights as well. I think it was a little too much. I think I was just somewhat insensitive to her feelings and I think I've just pushed to much on her at one time. I guess I forgot that it's taken me a long time to come to terms with a lot of the baggage I have, and it's unreasonable to expect her to all of the sudden be able to process and be okay with everything I feel like I need to tell her. I can be insensitive like that sometimes :-(.

I felt awkward about telling her about my blog, but I needed to do it. I expressed that in some ways I wanted her to read it, but I was also nervous of what she would think. Ultimately she did read it, and I know she was relieved because I had already told her everything that I had written about. I think a part of her was a little afraid that I had some sort bombshell to drop, and that was going to be the way I would do it. She said she didn't think she would read it on a regular basis, because she wanted me to feel free to write about anything I need to express.

It's just hard, though. I now this has brought about a certain amount of new stress into our relationship, but it's not all a bad thing. I had to be able to finally talk to her about this. But it's hard not to feel a little guilty. It's hard to stomach the fact that in order for me to feel better, I have to make her feel a bit worse. Even though I reassured her that I'm still the same person, I'm not going anywhere, I love her, etc., it's impossible for this to not bring up doubts, insecurities and all the other stuff that comes with it. I mean seriously, how could I expect her to react--"Wow, I feel so much better about our relationship now that I know that for the past 8 1/2 years you have battled depression, suicidal thoughts, and contemplated getting out of our marriage, and I had no idea! This is really great for us!" Yeah, unrealistic. Thankfully she's not bitter like that (I don't think), but I know this isn't easy for her to deal with.

The thing I think she can't understand is how it has been possible for me to hide all of these feelings for so long. I don't know if she feels guilty that she didn't know, or if she just sees me as a charlatan, or what. It's hard for me to explain why I've kept it all bottled up and even harder to explain how I've been able to do such a good job of it. My only explanation is that it's all I've ever known--hiding my feelings, my pain, my anguish. After 32 years I've gotten pretty darn good at it. That's really the sad truth of it. It's time for me to bury that talent, at least to the extent possible.

Anyway, this post is getting too long. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not glad we're talking about this, because it really has been a good thing for me and in the long run it will be good for us. It's just that it can be a bit of a rocky road. I know we're better off now, and we'll continue to get better. My wife is an amazing person and I'm so blessed to have her.

2007-07-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

After much soul searching and angst, I've finally come to a decision that I've been wrestling with for a long time. I don't really know for sure that anyone reading this has had a similar dilemma, but I suspect some of you have. Anyway, it's been a tough decision and it's one that I haven't taken lightly. I've considered all sides, and I just think it's best for all involved. Okay, there's so much more I'd like to say, but I'll just cut to the chase. A couple of days ago I was getting a drink at one of my favorite lunch places, and after taking sip of my drink, I had an epiphany. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't deny it anymore.

Mr. Pibb is not the same as Dr. Pepper and I can't keep pretending like it is.

That's it. I've said it and I feel so much better. Carry on.

2007-07-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago my wife and I finally talked. Yeah, that kind of talk. Some of you may have read the post on Northern Lights about "don't ask, don't tell" and it really hit home with me and I knew that it was time to break the silence. It was really good. I mean REALLY good.

We were laying in bed about to go to sleep and we were talking about things--mostly how we've decided that are family is complete with the three great children we have what we need to do to make sure that we're done (i.e. decide who's going to get snipped.) I know, too much information, but it leads into how we started talking my issues. Anyway, we were discussing how if something happened to one of us and the other were to remarry, would we want more children with another person. I told her that I probably wouldn't remarry if it were me, so that's probably not a concern. So of course that segued into why I wouldn't. I just told her that with all of my issues I just didn't know if I could go through it again with someone else. It was amazing--she instantly knew what I was talking about and she reached out to me and let me open up to her like I never have before. She said that since we've been married, she's always wanted to ask me about it, but never knew how to do it.

First I told her how much I love her and how I am attracted to her, but I'm still conflicted inside and that never goes away. I told her about how hard it's been sometimes for me. How I've tried a lot of different ways to cope with it, some with success, some without success, but that throughout it all I've been somehow been able to hold it together. I assured her that I love her and our kids, and that I'm not going anywhere.

One thing I've always wondered about was what she was really thinking the night I first told her, before we were engaged. She said it made her really sad that I had to go through this, but she never considered not marrying me. She said that it didn't make a difference to her in our relationship, because she didn't fall in love with me because she felt like I thought she was pretty, or that I was attracted to her (although she knew I did.) She fell in love with me for the person I am and knowing that I had attraction issues didn't change any of that. Throughout our marriage I've always felt like I made her make a terrible choice. I felt like I allowed her to fall in love with me and then dropped a bombshell on her after she couldn't escape. I felt like I trapped her, and I've always felt guilty for that. She assured me that she never felt trapped. She always felt in control of her decisions and she never considered not marrying me and she has never once regretted that we got married.

One thing that did surprise me is that she said she has never felt neglected or that I've been distant from her in our marriage. Strangely enough, that made me feel really good, because I've always tried to not let my issues drive a wedge between us. I told her that I couldn't lie--I had sometimes felt that I couldn't go on with my life and with our marriage, but it was never because I didn't love her or our life together. In my darkest hours, the reason I wanted out was so that I wouldn't have to feel this conflict anymore, so I wouldn't have to fight myself anymore. Deep down, I know that this conflict will never go away, whether I were to end our marriage, or stay in it. The conflict would just change, and I would have lost the most beautiful, loving and amazing thing in my life--my family. I truly believe that.

I told her about my issues with faith, and she understood. She told me about her own questions and doubts--things we had never shared before, and that was good for us. Her main concern was how she could help me and be of support to me. I told her that right now, I just need to know that she loves me. Just knowing that she knows that I still struggle is enough for me right now. I don't want this to become a constant topic of conversation, but I do want her to ask me about it when she feels like she needs to, and I will do the same.

One thing she did was help me realize how blessed I am in my life. She pointed out that I am fortunate to be able to have a family despite my struggles. I'm fortunate to be able to love her, be attracted to her and have a life that many in my situation want, but for so many reasons can't have. I don't say this because I want to rub salt in any wounds, or hold myself up as being smiled upon by God, while others haven't been, but I just know that through everything, we all have blessings and ways that we are fortunate and I often times have a hard time seeing that. It was nice to have that brought to my attention.

In the end I asked her if she was worried about me and she said of course she was. I assured her that I'm okay right now. But I also told her that the dark days would certainly return at some point, but that we would ge through it and not to worry about me. All in all, I went to sleep knowing that I'm loved, appreciated, and that my wife is making an effort to understand me, and that's the best feeling I could have. I know it doesn't make everything I've gone through go away, but it does make it worth it. It has lightened my burden and I'm grateful for that.

2007-07-10T10:28:00.001-07:00

This past Sunday I had a good day at church for the first time in a long while. It's not that I particularly got anything out of the talks and lessons, but for once I didn't feel out of place just being there. Lately it seems like I've been struggling to come to terms with being Mormon just as much as I struggle with my other issues. So, I guess I'll give you some more of my story.

I was born into the church. My parents converted about seven years before I was born, so the church is really all I've known my whole life. I grew up in the Deep South, and in case you didn't know, there weren't/aren't very many Mormons in that part of the country ;-). It's gotten better, but when I was growing up in the '70's and '80's, it was pretty rough. I wouldn't say I really grew up being embarrassed about my beliefs, but I always knew I was different because of it, and at different times I felt okay with that, while at other times I felt more uncomfortable. My parents were very devout. From the earliest I can remember my father was the Stake President, then he was called as a regional representative, and then he became a mission president while I was on my mission. It's interesting to me that even though my father was a faithful servant in the church, he's never really been a spiritual example to me. I mean, I always new he had a strong testimony (obviously), but he never ever sat down with me and talked to me about spiritual things. Of course we had daily family scripture study and family prayer in our home, but he never talked a lot about spiritual things to me. My mother, on the other hand, was very vocal about her beliefs and I got most of my spiritual nourishment from her.

I can remember having several spiritual experiences during my high school years, but like many of you, that was a difficult period of my life. Spiritually, that time was more characterized by the guilt brought on by knowing that I had something inside of me that I felt was fundamentally at odds with the teachings of the church. Most of my church life was spent attempting to reconcile those two things (with little success, I might add) as opposed to seeking out spiritual experiences, and building my own personal testimony. I remember the day I got my patriarchal blessing being a particularly strong blow to me. I was hoping so badly that it would be an opportunity for the Lord to give me some sort of sign, or that the blessing would have some sort of veiled message that only I would understand where he would tell me that I was going to be okay, that He still loved me, and that I would be able to make it through this life and be happy. Of course it didn't. It was a pretty lackluster blessing, which to this day doesn't really provide me with any spiritual guidance (I know that is a terrible thing to say). I took that to mean that I wasn't worthy to get the blessing and that was one more way for the Lord to let me know of his displeasure with me. Like I said, those were tough years.

When I got to BYU, I really enjoyed being around other Mormons, for the first time in my life. I really tried to have spiritual experiences and tried to gain a personal testimony so that I could go on a mission and really mean it. Of course my same old demons of guilt and self-doubt were still there, but I really did feel the Spirit in my life and I really did get a testimony. It was a great feeling. I don't know that I had the constant companionship of the Spirit, but I did feel it more frequently than I ever had before.

I got called to Argentina on my mission. I truly loved the mission most of the time. It was a great time in my life where I felt the most spiritually whole. At the same time, the mission was tough because I always felt that if things weren't going exactly right with our investigators, etc., it was because I was being punished for my attractions, thoughts, etc. I never could get free of that and it often did put a damper on my spiritual growth.

I guess my testimony began to wane after my wife and I moved away from Provo. The only way I can describe what I felt is "tired." I was tired of praying for this burden to be taken away from me. I was tired of the constant struggle in my head to try to reconcile the gospel with what I had decided was something that I couldn't change, and that the Lord had refused to change. I was just tired. I remember I was really into running then, and I would go on long jogs and just think about it and I would lament the fact that I had lost my faith. It was truly sad to me, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. I basically decided in my heart that I would continue to go to church and pretty much live its teachings, but I wouldn't believe them anymore. I wouldn't waste my time worrying about whether I was going to the celestial or telestial kingdom. I could dabble in some minor sins and not feel guilty, and most of all, I could not feel guilty for being attracted to men (and worse, sometimes actually liking being attracted to men.) I used all of the ammo I had accumulated throughout my life to rationalize my spiritual departure from teh Church. In a way it's been liberating. I'll be honest--it's been nice to be able to asuage the guilt a little bit. But at the same time, as much as I wanted it to be so, it was impossible to erase all of the events and feelings that had accumulated in the previous decades. I often have wondered what would hurt my wife more, her having to finally really come to terms with my issues, or having to come to terms with a husband that has lost his faith.

So that's the way I've floated for the past probably five years. I won't say that I've stayed completely true to my philosophy of setting my beliefs aside because I have felt the Spirit in my life, despite my denial. But it has been useful to use this rationale when I needed to cover up my sins, or stifle my guilt. Unfortunately, at times I've drifted more into deciding the church isn't true because of doctrinal descrepencies or the like as opposed to using my unbelief as a salve for my personal wounds. Sadly, these doubts are sometimes more difficult to erase than the self-imposed spiritual doubts.

But lately, something has changed. I've decided that my "mormon-ness" is something that is as unchangeable as my attractions. Those beliefs that are so ingrained in my soul are a part of who I am--a good part, a positive part of who I am. But just deciding this doesn't make it all go away. It's a process just like everything else is a process. Unpacking my baggage takes time, but in the end it's time well spent. But I think I've started, and I'm on the proverbial road to recovery.

2007-07-06T10:58:00.001-07:00

I don't know why, but things have been pretty good for me this last little while. I know, being on vacation sure doesn't hurt, but I feel like I'm in an okay place, which feels good for a change. A part of me just feels like this may be somewhat of a honeymoon phase for me since I just found all of you, and I just started this blog, etc. But whatever the reason, I like it and I'm going to try to hang on to it as long as possible.

In my first post, I wrote that I had initially talked to my wife a little bit about my issues before we got married, but since then, we've been pretty much silent as far as that topic goes. I really was feeling that I needed to start talking to her about it again, but now I've changed my mind. I just really don't want to hurt her. I really don't worry about her rejecting me or whatever, because she already knew about this before we got married. My biggest fear is that I would open really open up to her about it and it would really cut her deeply. I could see her trying to be supportive of me, but inside just being torn up. Then we'd both end up in the same place of self-doubt, isolation and loneliness. It just doesn't seem to be worth it for either of us right now. It seems like at least one of us needs to have some semblance of sanity. I know that feeling her support for me would be helpful, but at what cost? I just don't see what the benefit would be right now for us. I mean, I feel like most of the time I'm doing okay at holding things together and I don't know how constantly having her wrestle with this would be all that helpful. What I really wish is that she would bring it up, so I would know that she was ready to deal with it. I don't know, my feelings can change so quickly, I'll probably feel differently tomorrow.

Anyway, I've also decided that I'm going to try to find a therapist to go to. My main concern is how to find one. I don't really think I want to go the LDS Family Services route, but I'm not sure how to find someone who may be able to relate to my situation, etc. It's not like I can ask around. I guess my question to those of you who do go to therapy is how did you start out? What should I look for? Any suggestions would be helpful.

Constant reminding

2007-07-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from vacation, and yes, it was amazing. I mean, come on, is there anything more wonderful than exploring tidepools with your kids all day? Every time I go, I remember how much I love it and it reminds me how much I would love to live there if only I could convince my wife that it would be in the best interest of our family to move halfway across the world.

If you've read my earlier posts (all 4 of them), you know that I was home alone working for two weeks while my wife and children were visiting family. While I was alone I discovered the "queerosphere" and it was such an awakening to know that there are so many of us out there who are having such a similar experience and there are so many who are able to express so well their journeys. I guess the main thing all of your blogs gave me was hope. I realized that in reading about your struggles, your inner turmoil, and your anguish, it gave me hope to know that even though so many of us wrestle with these conflicts, many of us are still with our wives and families. We're still doing our best to carve out a place for happiness in our lives, despite our limitations. And of course, those of you who don't have a wife and/or children have similar goals of happiness and fulfillment. It has just made me realize that it's difficult, maybe impossible in this life, but overwhelmingly worth it.

So I reunited with my wife and family with a renewed commitment to them to be a better husband and father. I want my wife to feel loved, wanted, and needed in the way that she deserves. When my heart and mind start to wander, I think she can feel it and I often wonder what she thinks is happening to me--to us. It hurts and embarrasses me to know that I make her feel this way--even though she has never expressed to me how I make her feel when I become distant.

But then I think about me. It's always about me, isn't it? I seem to always turn back to the mantra of the five year-old having a temper tantrum--what about me? What about my needs? I guess I just need to find out what my needs are, to separate my wants from my needs. In my case I can't buy into the rhetoric that if my needs aren't met, I can't take care of anyone else's. I have to be able to hold my breath while putting the safety masks on my wife and children and just live with the hope that at some point maybe the oxygen will flow to me too. If I don't believe this, then what am I doing with my life? In my heart of hearts, I can't bring myself to believe that somehow everyone would be better off if I went off and pursued what lies locked inside my soul. I truthfully can't bring myself to believe it would truly make me happy either. I know my children need me. Not just in their lives, but in their home. They need to see me be their father, to be their provider, to be their mother's husband. My daughter needs me to be here to love her, because she "will love like [I] do." My sons need to feel the love of a man for them, so they won't have to go looking for it for the rest of their lives like I have. My sons also need a male role model in their lives. I know that some would say that a good role model doesn't pretend to be something he's not, but that's an argument that, frankly, I'm sick of and that should be saved for another day.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I started out wanting this post to be about, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't this. But this is it. It almost sounds like I'm trying to convince myself of these things, and in a way I guess I am. Really it's not so much that I'm trying to convince myself, but more that I'm trying to remind myself. And that's what I need--constant reminding.

One more day . . .

2007-06-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

One more day until I'm with my wife and kids again. I can't wait to see them again. This is the longest time we've ever been apart, and I've really done better than I thought I would. The first week was pretty rough and I faltered a bit, but this week has been better.

So I'll give a little background on my wife and me. I guess I should preface by giving a little background on myself. My whole life I've had these attractions. I can't really think of a time when they weren't there, sometimes stronger than others. I have always been somewhat attracted to girls, too, although the scales often seem to be tipped in the other direction. After I came home from my mission, I dated a little and had one real girlfriend for a couple of months before I met my wife. I won't say that I knew we would get married from the first time I saw her, but I definitely knew there was something about her that was different and that I was attracted to. We started dating and I got to know what an amazing person she is. I was attracted to her in a sexual way from the beginning, too. Of course this caused major conflict inside of me. I guess I wanted so bad to be normal that I thought that even though my same old demons were still there, I could suppress them because I loved her so much, and I was attracted to her. After about nine months, I new that she wanted for us to get married and I wanted that too, but I knew that I couldn't marry her without telling her about me. So I planned and planned what I would say. I almost had a complete script in my head. I also had decided that if she said she didn't want to marry me, I would understand. I would be devastated, but I would be okay with it. So one night I decided I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to let it out. After first telling her that I needed to talk to her about something, I just sat there sobbing. She kept saying "You're really scaring me, please just say what you need to say." I couldn't bring myself to say the word gay, or homosexual, or anything like that--partly because at that time I still didn't really consider really know how, or want to categorized myself (I think I probably fall more into the category of bisexual.) At some times in my life I have thought I was just gay, at other times, I have thought I was bisexual. At that time I had decided that I wasn't gay, I just was attracted to men ( yes, I realize that doesn't make much sense.) I don't remember exactly what I said (it was nine years ago), but at first I just kept telling her my theories about why I was like this and I kept asking her if she knew what I was talking about. Finally it clicked and she got it. I kept telling her how I really was sexually attracted to her and that I would just have to keep my other feelings in check just like any other heterosexual man has to keep his feelings in check. At the time, I really did think it was that simple. I had no idea just how hard it would be. I had no idea how there would always be a hole in my soul that couldn't be filled, but would take everything I have to try and patch as much as possible. It was like I had forgotten the previous 23 years of my life and all of the anguish I had lived through. We both cried, but in the end, she said she still loved me and still wanted to get married.

Since then, we've only talked about it once, about a year after we got married. That one time was kind of forced upon us. For now, let's just say it involved me getting picked up by the BYU police, and leave that story for another day. Anyway, I like to say we have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy going--she doesn't ask, and I don't tell. However, that policy isn't really working for me anymore. I've never cheated on her, in a literal sense, but it has been a rocky road for me. I've done things I'm not proud of in these last 8 years that have made me have the same feelings of worthlessness and despair that I've felt my whole life, and i just can't do it alone anymore.

As I sit here and write it all down, it all seems so simple. That's the thing I don't like about posting on a blog--I don't feel like I can convey the emotions attached to the events that I'm recounting. Oh well, that's my story.

2007-06-20T07:52:00.001-07:00

So I've been reading a lot of the stuff that is posted on Northern Lights and I feel like I've missed out on so much. If only I had known about all these other people sooner. It takes a little away from the loneliness, even though I don't know any of these people personally. I guess there's a time and a season for everything, though.

On a different note, I REALLY miss my wife and kids. I can't wait to see them on Friday. It just reinforces to me how much I really do want to be with them forever. My wife has posted some pictures of them on her blog since they've been gone, and every time I'm near the computer I have to look at them . . . Sorry for the pause, I just had to look them again :-). I just love them so much. It's hard for me to understand why my love for them can't free me of my demons. I guess love doesn't conquer all. Well, actually maybe it does--I'm still here, right?

Last week I was visiting my sister and she was telling me about her next door neighbors who got divorced a while back and she thinks it's because the husband is gay. She told me that one day she was talking to the husband's mother in front of their house and she said "You know Riley (the divorced couple's son) was a miracle baby." Turns out the husband had cancer a few years back and had full body radiation and was told he would never have children, and the wife had really bad endometriosis. My sister said, "It just doesn't make sense to me how even having a miracle like that happen in your life can't keep you together." It is interesting what keeps those of us together who are in this situation. I do know that for me there isn't a defining moment or specific incident that could keep me with my wife. It's our day to day living that keeps us together. I guess for me that's the hard part because my day to day life can be so up and down--some days I think this isn't going to work, and others I know it will work. The other thing that struck me about my sister's comment was that she, being a straight person, obviously thinks that a gay guy married to straight woman could work. Interesting. I've never told her about my inner struggle, but if I were going to talk to anyone in my family, she would be it.

I'm still trying to decide if and how I will let anyone else know about this blog. I did email the link to one person. I think my main fear is that what I have to say isn't that interesting or insightful and I'd hate to waste anyone's time but my own. Oh, well.

Beginnings

2007-06-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

So this is the second post with the same title. I wrote another long post, but didn't like it and deleted it. See, this is the problem with blogging and why I didn't want to start. It's just too hard. Let's just say the real me doesn't travel through the ether very well. Maybe I'll get better at it.

I guess an introduction is probably in order. I'm thirty-two years old, I've been married for eight years to a wonderful woman, and I have three amazing children. Pretty much my whole life (at least as far back as I can remember) I've been attracted to guys. Like everyone else, it's made my life pretty much hell off and on. I've come to a place where I just try to get through life as best I can in the moment because I feel like things that make me okay with myself for a time always seem to lose their power and I end up in the same place of self-loathing, guilt and utter despair. That's kind of where I am right now--yeah, that last part. I'm just looking for a way to pull myself together.

My wife and kids have been out of town which has given me lot of time alone, and alone + computer = bad. But something good has come of it. I started searching for advice or experiences on how to make marriage work when you're Mormon and have SSA, and I found a lot of stuff that really, really scared me. Pretty much everything I read was about how these marriages don't work and the overwhelming majority end in divorce. Deep down, I've always had the fear that I would end up the same way, but this was the first time that it seemed like a foregone conclusion to me. Okay, wait, that wasn't what was supposed to follow "something good has come of it." This is the good part. Somehow I found my way to some blogs of guys that have the same trial, are Mormon and married and who are really trying their best to make it work. That's when I started to feel some hope. It surprised me how many us are out there that are willing to talk about it. But more than surprised, grateful. Anyway, I really feel like starting a blog may be a good way for me to talk through some of my issues. I don't really know who I expect might read this, but at least it might give me a voice and an outlet. So, here it is.